Dancing Alone

A speck of light is overshadowed by darkness. Things like this happen too often. A precious moment captured in my mind fades away. I'd like to think that things get better, and every so often, they do. But what about the moment where you are stuck in the in-between? The fear of rejection, loneliness, isolation, and uncertainty seem to cloud over every, single thought. This may last briefly or for days or weeks on end. For the most part, I am a pretty optimistic guy. I try to remain on the bright side of things -- not everything is bad, right? But what happens when you almost lose someone? Your mind is put on pause. You can't think of anything else other than that one problem. This is what I call "dwelling".

People are faced with obstacles everyday. A homework assignment is late, my significant other hasn't got a hold of me all day, work seems to be consuming my life, a best friend becomes a stranger. And these are just a spot on the map of problems people go through each day. Even if the problem is somewhat juvenile, it's still an obstacle, right? The solution is to conquer it, and move on. Not to dwell. Sometimes the problem goes unsolved, which is an easy out clause, but lingers in your mind until it resolved.

I lost something close to me this year. That something being a pet. And before you all go "Jesus, Clay it's just a rabbit!", think about that for a second. For those who have lost a pet know how hard it is and must deal with the idea of "death". Ethel was, in a sense, like a friend of mine. If I needed to talk something out if I was angry, frustrated, or just needed to let something out, rather than talking to a wall, I sat and talked to Ethel. Sounds corny, I know, but dammit, it actually helped. Now, when I get home late, my room is empty. Eerily silent. Before, when I would get home from a late night escapade, Ethel was there. Probably waiting for food because she ate like no other, but nevertheless, it was nice. I didn't feel so...alone, in a sense.

I also lost my job this year. By my own wrongdoing. It has been, to date, one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made, and hopefully will ever make. The job, itself, wasn't necessarily spectacular, but I really enjoyed the job. The hardest part is thinking I let who I worked with down. I miss the people I used to work with so much. And it hurts to know that I, myself, fucked up something that could have ultimately been something great. It still renders.

What brings me to my point -- shit happens. You could win the lottery one day and lose a close friend the next. Life is a funny, but tricky thing. It's just a matter of knowing how to deal. What I do know is that I have amazing friends and a supportive family. Sure, there are times where we don't exactly get along, but if anything would ever happen, they would be there. Over time, the people who are true friends stick out while everyone else disappears. If a true friend isn't having a great day, as long as you know that they know you'll be there, even if they don't ask for help, then you're good to go. I'd like to think that my life is like music -- a rhythm that never stops, a beat that transcends into your soul, and lyrics that are your thoughts. There will be days that not everyone wants to get up and dance, but if you can put yourself out there and dance alone to your own music, then everything will be okay.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Ah, yes. I have kept this off for too long. This is a movie for the fans. Not mainstream audiences. It's pretty obvious people who hate Twilight won't be in the line to see the next installment and believe me, some of my closest friends are what we call "Twi-Haters", which is fine. As for me, Twilight captured what's left of my beating heart. It has sentimental value -- the Twilight series, not my heart. Ha.

Anyways, New Moon is the second book in Stephenie Meyer's *ahem* very successful series about a girl who falls for a very hot vampire. The movie, however, is what I call -- a beautiful travesty. I personally enjoyed the movie because I love the Twilight world. New Moon, however, is my least favorite of the series. Love it, but still #4. Bella is a complete mess in this one. Her heart was ripped out of her by the love of her life, Edward, not literally, but that would be a sight to see. After getting attacked by Edward's brother, Jasper, Edward decides to leave the ever-gloomy Forks, for Bella's safety. Bella is, well, not too happy about that. Falling into a depression that lasts for several months, cutting off ties with her friends and her dad, Bella is "saved" by her best buddy Jacob Black, who may or may not have a deep, dark secret. Is he gay?! No. He's a werewolf. Who would think? In this day and age. Anyway, the semi-ridiculous plot fades into bigger obscurity when Bella must save Edward from KILLING HIMSELF in Italy. And that's exactly what she does. Girlfriend of the Year, ladies and gentlemen? Now, it may seem like I am poking fun at all this. I am but let me tell you, I am in complete love with this series. Escapist fare always does well with me. And that's what Twilight does. It throws you into a new world, away from your problems, and you focus on well, other people's problems.

The movie, though, is relatively solid. Kristen Stewart proves to us that she is a stellar actress. I have a love/hate relationship with Ms. Stewart. Her awkward approach is weird, but I love it. She is also very radiant in this picture - a major improvement over the last one. Robert Pattinson is salivating. Even if his acting skills aren't Oscar-worthy, you can't take your eyes off of him once on screen. The same goes for Taylor Lautner. The rest of the cast are subtle, yet superb. Dakota Fanning rules. Michael Sheen wows. Kellan Lutz is so damn gorgeous (Team Emmett!!!). And Nikki Reed & Anna Kendrick are my girls. Rachelle LaFevre makes an awesome Victoria (will miss her in Eclipse). Lautner and the wolf pack are probably the weakest in the cast.

The movie is HEAVILY flawed for sure. Like I said, I am a huge fan, so the movie was an awesome adaptation to the book in my eyes. If you aren't a Twilight fan, stay far away. You won't get it and you'll write it off as terrible. However, I'm a sucker for atmosphere and this movie literally takes you to Forks. The warm sepia tone works well with the surroundings. The movie also boasts an AMAZING soundtrack. The Killers. Deathcab. Muse. Lykke Li. Band of Skulls. Need I say more? I did miss Paramore, though, sad to say.

Pop this movie in only if you are a Twilight fan or want to get swept up in a cheesy, but elegant romance. New Moon, however, is the weakest of the series. Twilight introduced us to the love story. Eclipse will have killings, backstories, and action sequences. And I am very interested to see what they will do with Breaking Dawn. That book is, well, another story :)

Three and a half stars out of five.

Kick-Ass

Okay, back to some movie reviews :) I recently made my way to the theater to catch a movie I knew little to nothing about. And I was actually pleasantly surprised! Kick-Ass offers stylized action sequences and a good sense of humor, which is something that needs to be handled very carefully otherwise it becomes campy. I think this movie steers clear from that.

After a slew of mediocre superhero movies (Superman Returns, Watchmen), Kick-Ass offers something fresh to the table. Not going too serious a la The Dark Knight, but not going too humorous a la Iron Man (even though humor worked out in Iron Man's favor). Based on the comic of the same name, we're introduced to our average teenage protagonist, realizing NYC is in dire need of some superhero action. Throw McLovin and Nic Cage into the mix and you get a breath of fresh air.

Though the movie was heavy on violence and language, the movie worked tremendously well. Growing up on the original Batman and Superman movies, it was nice to see some blood and guts added to the superhero genre (though Watchmen offered that also, but I think they took it too far).

I thoroughly enjoyed this movie but there were some flaws. Some of the acting was a little over-the-top and laughably unrealistic. But then again, maybe it was supposed to be. I think if the story had a more of a realistic tone, then the movie would have been more of a spectacle once the action scenes were incorporated. However, the production design and art direction were amazing. Had a flair of a Spider-Man atmosphere, but reminded me of the breathtaking New York City skylines we seen in Superman.

Three out of five stars.

Knock You Down

Lately, I have been feeling less than stellar, things have been getting better each day. I have compiled a list of steps I have kept stored in my mind that have been gradually helping. I'm not going to say I'm fully happy, because I'm not, but I'm not depressed either. Kind of stuck in a weird limbo.

1. Don't tell yourself you've hit rock bottom.
Life happens. One day you may have it all, then the next it comes crashing down. That happened to me. Maybe not so much on a personal life sense, but definitely with the job life. If you tell yourself you've hit rock bottom, then you will never get out from the abyss. I know I have told myself I have hit the bottom, but I've learned to stop saying it, propelling me to move forward.

2. Never think anyone is out to get you.
Sometimes when you do something bad, you think you are being judged almost immediately when you step outside. I thought that for a good chunk of time, and that may have kept me from doing the things I wanted to do. But I pushed myself to get out there and enjoy life at a depressing time. I realized that if my friends judged me for a mistake I have made, then they weren't true friends. I'm happy to say that this didn't happen.

3. It's always the darkest before the dawn.
Generic and cliche phrase, I know, but it is so true. I realize that we are all on the brink of a new season, and truth be told, things change when the seasons change. Summer is on the horizon. I'm not letting myself be down for the duration of the summer. Summer is supposed to be fun, spontaneous, wild, and relaxing. Why spend it moping around and not taking any steps to get better? Things are always at their worst before they get better. "It'll get better." rings true in my ear.

4. A healthy daily routine should be established.
For me, a routine helps me stay on track. When the routine disappears or ends, I'm spun out and lost. When this happens, I feel inadequate and sometimes, worthless. But I am working on a routine that should get me back on the track of life. We all have our rough patches, some more than others, but we eventually get through them. Now, I'm not saying your whole LIFE needs to be on a routine, you need some spontaneity in your life to keep things fresh.

5. Surround yourself with the things you love.
Things that are a constant reminder of happiness is amazing to keep around. Some people keep pictures, some keep notes, hell, some people keep old texts. And that's not even the tip of the iceburg. For me, certain songs and movies bring me back to a place I cannot describe. You put on "Jump" by Van Halen, I'm instantly put in a good mood. If Mean Girls is on the tv, I forget about everything else and laugh my ass off. This all sounds cheesy, I realize, but this step is my secret weapon. If I'm fighting with a friend or just facing daily obstacles, I surround myself with things that take me back to a happier time that eventually turn into peace of mind. This may sound like you're running away from the problem. That's not it at all. This is a matter of taking a break from the problem. We still have to face the problem head on, or it will remain forever. Taking breathers is completely healthy. If you're head is under the water, it is nice to come up for air sometime. :)

Midwest Skies and Sleepless Nights

Sometimes you get knocked off your high horse. It happens to all of us. Things may be going well for months, then boom, you get blindsided. There's a matter of laying there motionless or getting up and trying again. I'm going to give this "getting up and trying again" thing a try.

People make mistakes. Rather it be a simple mistake or a mistake that can alter the rest of your life. I made a mistake. A great mistake. I'm not going to go into detail about that. But I'm not going to dwell on this mistake. I can't allow myself to do so.

The winter months were financially okay. Now, I'm left with little to nothing. It's all about getting out there and realizing what you have to make do with. Sometimes making do with something shitty is the path you have to take if the road you intended to take has a barricade in front of it. This barricade will be there for a while. An annoyance.

Picture yourself taking the same route to work or school for a long time then one day a bridge is out...for a year. You have to find an alternative route. Before you know it, the alternate route becomes the way you're used to. Then one day, the bridge is back in business. Sure, it may be the quicker way to your destination but the alternative route you have been taking becomes, in a sense, part of you. For once, an alternative has become the primary.

This is the way I look at things currently. The barricade may not just be a mistake you have made. It could be a cluster of things: a rocky relationship, fighting with your best friend, family issues, in other words...daily stress. People fuck up. We're aloud to make mistakes. I can't stress that enough. But what happens when you can't get through the road block? You're stuck.

I can't necessarily answer that because for 1) I don't have an answer and 2) Everybody thinks differently. Some deal with problems in different ways. Some get wasted. Some stay optimistic. Some dwell. Some get over it. I can clearly see that I may have failed this test of life, but there's always going to be another test waiting for us to complete. Sometimes we have to fail in order to succeed.

A motto of the British Air Force is "those who risk, win". A single vine sheathe is able to grow through cement. The North American bass beats itself bloody, against the current, in search of sex, of course, but also...

life.

Top 10 Songs of 2010...So Far

10) Possibility - Lykke Li

Coming off the New Moon soundtrack, this song soothes out of the speakers with grace and a haunting piano piece. The New Moon soundtracks offers great songs, but this one song stands alone.

9) Come On - Green River Ordinance

Indie rock is alive and well and GRO is letting it breathe. I have had the joy of seeing these boys in concert and they are beyond amazing and talented. They surely will be sticking around for a long time.

8) Rude Boy - Rihanna

God bless Rihanna and her island roots. I cannot get enough of this song. the island-y based beats and sound are off the hook. Sure to be a summer hit for sure. Is you big enough?

7) Whatya Want From Me - Adam Lambert

I love me some Adam, who wouldn't? He's an amazing singer and sexy as hell. Honestly, didn't care for the song when it first came out, but before I knew it, I couldn't stop listening to it.

6) Resistance - Muse

This is a great rock song. Muse is one of those bands you can put on and gets everyone in a good mood no matter the circumstance, and this song does just that.

5) Death - White Lies

Sounds a bit like Joy Division, with a mixture of The Smiths and a dash of The Killers. I am in complete love with this band and this song. No words can describe it.

4) Brick by Boring Brick - Paramore

Songs that tell stories are inspiring but also intriguing. This song is epic, boasting amazing vocals by Hayley Williams and hard rock instrumentals by the rest of the band. I'll say it once and I'll say it again, but God bless Paramore.

3) Your Love is My Drug - Ke$ha

Electropop is alive and well. 'Tik Tok' broke Kesha through, but this song is a pop masterpiece. Equipped with an infectious hook, Kesha's wild antics, and a solid chorus, this song is sure to be remembered for years and years to come without feeling dated.

2) Animal - Neon Trees

If The Killers and Muse had a baby, Neon Trees would be it's bastard child. I love discovering new bands and this band takes the cake. It's one of those cases where I hope this band breaks through to the mainstream but stays indie for my personal enjoyment :)

1) Young Forever - Jay - Z f/ Mr. Hudson

Rare occurrence for me to have a rap song on the list let alone it be number one. But this isn't just a rap song - this song is of epic proportions. Sampling the synth classic "Forever Young" by Alphaville, and getting the Jay-Z makeover with his awesome lyrics, this song bumps out of the speakers and transcends into your soul.

Blind

Have you ever woke up in the morning not feeling like P. Diddy? I can say that with ease because that is exactly how I feel EVERY morning. Not because of the fact that I'm not Ke$ha, but because I feel that my life is completely boring and lifeless and it needs some much needed replenishment.

2010 hasn't been a very good year, to say the least. Sure they have been amazing times but it seems the not-so-good times have overshadowed the good ones. When did everything become a sad love song you almost want to immediately change the dial on the radio?

Sorry for the short blog entry but I don't really have much to say. Hopefully I get a sense of clarity with life. I am grateful for who I have in my life and who are there for me. I'm sorry if I haven't reached out to some lately, that's my fault. I'm blinded by chaos, which hopefully should clear out in the meantime.